Hi hello – it’s little miss Uterus speaking.
Long time no see, cause I’ve been behaving real good since the last time we spoke. Up until now that is. 👶🏽 This is going to be a long post cause I have a lot of wisdom to share with you today. I thought of breaking it into two posts – but I mean, if you’re really interested in this crazy bloody life of mine you’ll read it all despite the length.
So if you’ve found interest in my Adenomyosis journey you probably remember how happy I was in Bali (you can watch the video here) – when I woke up to realise I’d gotten my period without even knowing. I had a period with absolutely no pain. I was shocked, I was surprised, I was in Uterus Heaven.
Then I got home from Bali and my periods started getting more and more painful again. I’d have one pain-free period here and there, but seen as a whole it got worse and worse over the months of being back in Norway.
Today is Monday 11th of December, and this weekend I had the worst period I’ve ever had. Saturday brought immense pain in what felt like my whole body. I couldn’t lay down – I had to walk around the house trying to breathe, when suddenly I threw up. That’s when I begged my mom to run around the neighbourhood asking for painkillers. Have in mind that I never take painkillers. Not because I’m too cool, but because I don’t want to numb the signals my body is sending me, and actually get to the root cause. Well, this time I had no choice. I took a pill and slowly fell asleep, dreaming of Mc Donalds sending out stuffed sweet-potatoes with guacamole. That’s how exhausted I was.
I wanted to mention this because it brought me two very valuable lessons. (I’m an analyser – and my favourite thing to analyse is myself).
1. A fish is only as healthy as the water it swims in.
I am the fish here. If a fish is swimming around in dirty toxic water – you can be sure that fish will die. If I run around in shitty water – you can be sure I’ll die too. And the water I’m talking about here consists of many parts. It’s the oxygen we breathe in, it’s the thoughts we’re feeding ourselves, it’s the food we consume, the water we drink, the sun-rays we catch and the energies we surround ourselves with (aka people).
I knew all of this already, but it just came to show it’s seriousness once again. I am going to be the first one to admit that I’ve been cheating on all of the above lately – not taking it as seriously as I should.
2. Self sabotage is a thing.
In, and right after, Bali I came to a place where everything was perfect. Seriously nothing needed stitches. I was happy and healthy. It should have been easy to keep that flow of good vibes, but the fact that I was healthy made me loose my identity – and without knowing it, loosing my identity freaked me out. Let me explain.
I got generalised anxiety disorder in 2014, and long before that I started struggling with a fucked up relationship with food and my body. My mission since then has been to fix myself and become healthy again. I chose my diet based on healing these things, I chose my education because of it, I found my hobbies and my career because of it. Everything I did, seriously my whole life, was based on the mission of getting healthy again. So when I actually succeeded, and I was 100% healthy, I was like “now what?”
My whole career, hobbies, diet, life as I knew it, was built on recovering from some disease. I wasn’t ready to be healthy, I didn’t know how to live my designed life as a healthy person. And then Adenomyosis came along. It’s crazy to say – but I was kind of relieved. Finally theres something I can fix again.
And then when I’d “fixed” my Adenomyosis and the menstrual pain was gone, I had the same breakdown – without knowing it at the time of course. My life wasn’t exciting anymore – because I used to be my biggest project, and it was taken away from me. My identity for myself was a sick person that I was working on fixing.
So what did I do every time I reached the point of 100% health? I self sabotaged. In with the refined sugar, in with the shitty self talk and doubts about myself, in with the toxic people, goodbye exercise and meditation, goodbye tuning in and listening to myself above everyone else.
And here I am again. With the worst pain ever. I am lucky though – because I know what to do. This time I just have to remember the last piece of the puzzle – not identifying myself with the struggles I’m about to overcome. I have to make my life fun, and find purpose outside of healing my own diseases.
I read somewhere that “the tools that helps you heal is not going to work when you’re ready to thrive”, and I believe that ♥︎